I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
