my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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