my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
