When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
