I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
