I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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