sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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