So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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