I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
