Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
