Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
there was a trapeze. enough said
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
