i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He shit in the fireplace
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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