Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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