please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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