I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
