if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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