At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
