Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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