i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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