I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
