; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
