my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
