I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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