9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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