Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
