youre lurking in front of me
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
