Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
