If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
