I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
