I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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