On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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