I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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