Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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