You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
