call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
a search helicopter?!
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
