Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
