Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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