i permit you to call me
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
