Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Still dying that you shit outside
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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