I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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