I checked into jail on foursquare
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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