i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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