Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Randomize
