So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
