Don't make out with my wife yet
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Randomize
