I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
