GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
