I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
