I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
