Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
